articulation times two

I caught up with Mary last night. I think my eyes are mirrors or windows, sometimes, to another place. In them, in a mind link of some kind, she saw exactly what I was speaking of. I love our catch ups. We equally fascinate the other. I love learning from her, she is an enchantress.

Life is so good.

together

I no longer feel frayed.

I've reached a point, a break through, where I am all that I wanted to be. Sure, there are goals I haven't yet reached, challenges not yet accomplished, people yet to meet, music yet to make, but I'm actually doing the things I have feared, learning the miracle of experimentation, and that it is healthy.

I've had a lover lately, I thought for a while it was something I wanted in my life, that I was ok with the emptiness of NSA sex. But that is not what I want. I think that is a cop out, of sorts.

To wait and share it with someone who loves every secret place of you, who worships you, who creates the feeling with you..a sultry, sensual tableture on sweaty sheets, THAT is "hot" THAT is beautiful.

I'm not going to see him again, avoid him where I can, talk to him only where I have to. I know he is seeing someone else and at first I was dismayed, hurt, and then it all just disappeared and I realised, in the face of something I feared happening, I actually don't care. And that feels good.
I guess I place reactions out there before the shit has even hit the fan. Sometimes we can delightfully surprise ourselves.

And I'm scared about the feelings I kind of have for someone else. I wonder if they are transient, if this is borne of some rose-tinted affair I have with the mystic side.

I am happy to be alone.

And I am happy with who I am. Loyal, fun, sincere. Optimistic, friendly. I've encountered people lately, and today very much so, that are on the defensive.

I'd hate to live in a cage,

ruminations

all day yesterday objects kept dropping, falling, colliding with gravity.
I made mental notes of this but I couldn't say why then, and can't now.

Teardrops make a sound. Raindrops too. Everything has a tonal force, in the weight of their footsteps.

On New Years Eve a guy came up to me and grabbed my face, in the too-bright of the kitchen light, and he looked into my eyes, and I could hear his fingers on my cheeks, and he said.. "why didn't anybody tell me" and gestured behind him with full lips and that boyish chin, and kept his eyes on mine, hypnotised, seemingly, and I didn't know quite what to do other than to stare right back, and smile, and frown, unsurely.

I had a man gaze into my eyes at one place of employment and told me my eyes were good for diagnosis.

But I don't see anything than what the person next to me sees. If I put anything on my senses it is gossamer, it is fragile, it is not really there.

I had strange dreams this weekend. I was in a small town, like a western town, and was waiting for my Mother, who is deceased, and I got the impression she was to appear on stage, her ghost, or her, back from the dead and very much alive. A woman next to me who had been in this same town dream last year, was talking to me as she always does in my dream about all sorts of things but I cannot remember what, other than she is taunting me, to make me jump up, maybe she is Gotcha. I get the feeling she fancies me in this gloomy way, and I always weave my way out of the crowd. Like I do in the dream before, with Dylan, and knowing what Love ought to feel like.

But I figured yesterday, sitting on the beach, after writing lovers initials into the sand, that would disappear with the wind and the surf, that it doesn't matter. What we see and hear and feel, yes it makes our everyday more vivid, but essentially for every photo we take, for ever kiss we share, it is to remember the moment that will end as quickly as it begun. We're all frantic collectors of moments.

beeeep

I'm thinking of looking into clairvoyance or something.. I've started realising that I have something spooky going on and noticing all sorts of things that keep happening. I get senses about people, and I've come to see I'm always right.

I think it'll be interesting to look into, in either case.

what I did

I dyed my fringe blue.
It's like a lagoon greeny blue. I don't really like it.

I had a meeting today at work. I've been slacking. Been distracted. Time to clean up or get out, right? Righhhtt. So I'm going to. Am. Doing.

And for the first time in many months I did my tarot. Got the Strength, Judgement cards which make perfect sense, and the Moon, which was and partly is the state I am in.

Going to think 'yellow' from now on. I can't believe my friend saw it. I said I saw Magenta and she gasped and exclaimed, "that's my favourite colour"

Haven't decided yet whether I'm just damn good at diagnosis, am wormholing some how (not Darko style, I swear) or am clairvoyant. She says I am.

Still seeing Angels every where.

clerks 2

is funny as all hell.
I have been missing out.

Shit.

bitten

I feel clear and certain today. And light. I woke up feeling curiouser than the day before, as though some giant weight exited my body in sleep.

I'm happy. Arranged my mind to suit. No more grief.

I'm making some scenes this weekend for the film. I love that I'm twenty two and shopping for fake blood in my lunch hours.

Dardanelles were weird and wonderful as usual. I wish my Sister saw these bands. The horror on her face would be hilarious.

I swear, her and I cannot get any more different. I'm concerned with bloody angels, acquiring bruises, sex, loud experimental music and piercing myself in places a good girl doesn't and she is bead making, scrap booking, Butterfly Boucher listening to, floral print wearing, sex after thirty moving to Sylvania Waters Fiona... The gap is a fucking canyon in difference. I love her so hard.