I chanced upon some writings of Anne Sexton. Her work is very sex driven, and reverent and then she went and stuck her head in an oven at 46. What a cop out. Not to mention, unoriginal. Suicide is not glamourous at all. I don't understand and won't pretend to, why artists and some people find it that way. It is the end. Whether you go on into the next life or hover around as a ghost, you're not your current chemistry, the miracle of that. I find who we are, circuitry and shit, fascinating and I think humans are amazing machines.
Anyway, so I was thinking about how I perceived things for a long time.
Even sex was cerebral.
Now I let myself have pleasure and laughter in everything and it is so much better. I like logic, and rationale', but moments lose their wonder and the expiry date is reached all too soon if we keep giving 'reason' to that which we engage in.
I had a friend of mine literally whispering in my ear for an hour yesterday about LSD (to which I mispronounced as LCD.. "I want some LCD mannnn" because I rock in a dorky way) and how he can now look at everything and everthing has a life.
And? was all I could think.
Anyone can look at a rose or a tree or a person and be amazed by the fact it has a soul, an energy, that it deserves to be on earth. The tree breathes, it is what we breathe, and a rose wilts and dies.. This is why I am adament that drugs are for the borings. I would like to try composing something after having pot but I do not concern myself with going out there and living my life based on that cycle.
I believe in the power of childhood. In remaining simple and not too guarded and enjoying small things, silly things, being light hearted. It is wise.
I've always been tapped into my better self, always been a smart person. It is moments like yesterday when I am so proud of who I am. Even now, I get butterflies writing this. I could have been such a failure. And I think it is because I perceive myself as a strong, loyal to life person, not a "survivor" or a "victim". I do feel grief when I am alone too much, and I am reminded of my parents, and then everything that doesn't work at that time becomes bigger than it is, more significant, and I start hating myself and my life.. always happens around Christmas, New Years, even my Birthday. But I don't give in. I never give in. I think there is enough insinuation in all this writing so far I don't need to write further than this..
Anyway, with ceremony, I find it ick, because I have difficulty in celebrating something that for so long has not felt important to me. To give, to share warm times with friends and family is great, but that is all it is. I respect and love and give out as much as I can from my heart to those closest to me every day. I don't need a day of the year to do it more.
So, maybe what I'm saying, is that while I'm a human miracle machine, and while I am proud, and while I too have my hiccups, I feel absolutely happy and ready to ride whatever may come my way. I don't even think about the shit anymore, I feel like I've cried for the last time, and everything from here on in is clear and straight as an arrow.
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Behind the Veil of Leaves

- Phreedom
- I'm an artist, I'm just unknown by the rest of the planet. But one day, the world will recognise my initial, and smile. I only want to make peoples faces light up.
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